


For The Love Of Him

by KSForever



Category: Possibly an Original Series AU, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 19:10:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10668984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: After TWOK, but before TSFS; Jim and McCoy grieve for Spock. Mentions Jim's time on Tarsus IV, but doesn't go in to loads of detail. This story is Jim and Bones having a heart to heart centred around Spock, and Jim's grieving for him... Takes place away from Enterprise. Warning for 'bad' language and for being set just after a major character's death.





	For The Love Of Him

For The Love Of Him

“I meant it.” Jim noted. “I haven’t known death, until now – until Spock…” His voice drifted off.

Bones sat their patiently, having placed two bottles of alcohol on the table – one of Saurian Brandy, one of whiskey. It was a risky business; handing a grieving person any amount of alcohol – but Bones needed to get Jim to talk, and he would always be watching Jim like a hawk anyone, more so than ever – even after tonight.

“When I was trapped on Tarsus; I was lucky. The two people I was staying with, who were looking after me, survived, as did the friend I had made while there. We kept evading and avoiding the authorities’ every chance and attempt to capture us, and test us, and decide our fate for us.” Jim noted, as he then took a swig of Brandy from his rather full glass. “Afterward, I did grieve for those who died. I did. I was just very good at constructing my own, busy world around me, and, believe it or not, divorcing myself from my feelings. I’ve grieved for my brother, and for other loved ones from back home; I went down into grief some way down for them, but this: This is like I’m in a ‘no-man’s land’. It’s fathomless, but, to say that, it sounds like I’m diminishing what actually happened on Tarsus. I know it does. I’ve also grieved for the crewmembers we’ve lost along the way, and those we’d only just met when they died before our eyes but, each time, I’ve pushed death away after its done its damage, especially when I couldn’t keep it at bay enough to stop it from doing that damage.” Jim tried to look into his Doctor friend’s eyes then.

“And now?” Bones sipped his drink, looking over the rim of the glass it was in, at Jim, as they sat in Jim’s San Fran apartment on this week-day night.

“I’ll still fight for my crew. I’ll still be capable of being Captain, when Enterprise is ready for me.” Jim replied.

Len McCoy didn’t let his friend off the hook. “But?” He asked him; prompting and prodding still.

Jim had looked away, but now, suddenly, having been sitting on the edge of his seat, turning his profile view towards McCoy’s gaze, he turned around fractionally, and turned his head to glance at his friend from Georgia. “He won’t be there.” Jim said, and on the last word of his sentence, his breath was stolen from him, and he felt his throat tighten, and tears gouging at the lenses of his eyes; trying to get out; trying to bleed through his hazel eyes. He opened his mouth to talk again, to fight on, but nothing other than more of this ferocious grief came from within him. He felt panicked, dizzy, and sick. He pushed himself up, out of his chair, and walked, in a stumbling, fast, clumsy, but trying not to appear rushed, way towards his bathroom.

McCoy was up, and trying to reach over to him, but Jim kept walking; one arm out-stretched, trying to say to Bones. ‘You don’t need to offer to hold me up’, and, his other hand, was clasped over his mouth.

Jim made it to the bathroom, but didn’t manage to push the door all the way shut. He wretched, and brought up some of the alcohol he’d just drunk, as he was bent over the Head. He was heaving, and beginning to cry, though his tears were almost silent.

McCoy stood in the door-way to the bathroom; his right hand clasping the door. “Jim, let me come in there with you, please?” He hoped.

Jim didn’t say anything, didn’t murmur; but his body was still stooped, his back bent, and he was now shaking; trembling.

McCoy opened the bathroom door, and came in.

Jim reached to flush the head, and McCoy reached ahead of him, pushing the flush; their hands met as he grasped it. With his other hand, he put the lid of the Head down, and helped Jim turn his body around, and sit down on the closed head.

Jim reached for a wipe from the dispenser, and pulled out two; hiding his face from McCoy by using them.

McCoy, not taking his eyes from Jim, dragged the chair that was just within reach, on the opposite wall, tipping the towels from it, temporarily, onto the floor. One hand on the back of the simple, white bathroom seat, he positioned it in front of Jim, and promptly sat on it – also placing his spare hand onto Jim’s knee, in one step. He then, reached out to Jim, who had now chucked the wipes away, but was still looking away from Bones, and, gently, he touched Jim’s chin, and brought Jim’s face around, so that their eyes locked. “He’s gone, and?” Len asked very, very carefully.

“It hurts!” Jim answered, in tears. “It’s fucking hurting more than anything, Ever; because it’s like the Universe has been torn in half, and he’s disappeared into the chasm – fallen through layer after layer of every reality where I might be able to reach him, and been taken into this realm I have no way of getting in to, unless I die, and I can’t die, because people like you would hate me if I went and made sure I did!” Jim paused, looking at the tears in his friend’s eyes, through his own. “It’s maddening because I can still feel like he’s here, at the same time that I feel that chasm that’s keeping us apart. It’s maddening, but I promise you, Bones; I swear to you, I’m not mad.”

Bones, who was still caressing the hand of Jim’s that he held in one of his, looked to his friend, and promised. “I know.” He smiled gently. “I know that you’re not mad, Jim.” He didn’t mention that he was beginning to wonder if he was going mad from the trauma and grief that stemmed from not being able to hold Spock back from that deadly warp chamber. Jim didn’t need to worry about him. So, he just kept quiet, and hoped that Jim couldn’t read the facts of his friend’s grief from his eyes; not in his (Jim’s) current state, or tell it somehow through their connecting touch. He reached forward, and pulled Jim into a hug, even with his worry that his own struggles would somehow be exposed by their closeness; He pulled Jim into a hug, for both their sakes. 

The End..?  
19.4.17


End file.
